I really don’t know how I can apparently do nothing all day, and yet constantly find myself running out of time and missing whole days and weeks without really noticing.
I suppose ‘nothing’ isn’t quite right. I’m cleaning, feeding, changing, playing, cleaning, driving, calming, worrying… But because every day is almost identical to the one before it, it’s hard to feel like you’ve actually accomplished anything when tomorrow rolls around.
I also find myself stagnating in old routines and habits. I don’t have hobbies, I have an embarrassingly short attention span, and I often feel tired and drained, so I just do what I always do because it’s automatic, easy, comforting. I sit at the computer even when I’ve long passed my point of interest. I flick through magazines and catalogues without really paying attention, and I never read books any more, which makes me sad. I keep tidying and organising so I won’t have to think of something else to do. I drive into town and wander around the small selection of shops, even though by now I know almost every item in each store, and even though I can’t actually buy anything.
I need to change. I need to eat more healthily and stop replacing proper food with white bread (which is hard on a budget), I need to be outside more, walk more, go to bed earlier and stop wasting time on the computer. All those clichéd things.
I really need to find a hobby. I want to knit and/or sew, but my knowledge of both is very, very basic. I would need to teach myself, which requires prolonged concentration, which, along with start-up costs, is putting me off.
I know I am being lazy. I can keep using the ‘I’m too tired’ excuse, but it’s not really an excuse if you have the ability to change it.