Lissful thinking

I am: an introvert.

I think: both too much, and not hard enough.

I know: that I can be moody and sullen and difficult to live with at times.

I have: all that I need, but not all that I want

I wish: I owned my own home. Or at least had a mortgage to own my own home. Basically I want to be able to paint the walls whatever colour I want, and not worry every time something spills on the damn carpet.

I hate: renting. The sound of eating. People who don’t take trolleys back to the bays. Sweating. Neighbours. Tailgaters. Overtly biased, stupid and annoying journalistic reporting. Crowds. Let’s be honest, I hate many, many things. And unfortunately, I do mean hate. My scale tends to be love, like, disinterest and hate. It is something I need to work on.

I miss: being pregnant.

I fear: a lot of things. Mostly irrationally and/or excessively. And I’m talking about, making phone calls and going to the bank and submitting forms. Not spiders or heights or clowns.

I hear: quite well. Too well? I had to buy noise cancelling headphones when I couldn’t cope with the general sounds of a household and music at the same time. Right now I can hear a party far, far away, and it’s driving me nuts.

I smell: like day-old perfume.

I crave: sweet things. All the time. All. The. Time. I cannot exaggerate that fact.

I search: for motivation and a creative outlet.

I wonder: why so many people behave with such disregard for others.

I regret: not fulfilling my academic potential.

I love: Jene and Devin and the rest of my family. Rain.

I ache: for a life in which I never have to fill in forms and provide accompanying documents.

I am not: a leader. I’m not really a blind follower, either, though I’m happy to go along with something if it suits me.

I believe: that spirituality and faith have nothing to do with religion, which is a divisive and unnecessary institution. At best.

I dance: never. Never, ever, ever, ever. I can’t remember the last time I felt compelled to dance. No. The thought feels wrong. Yes, maybe that is exactly why I need to do it. And laugh. And whatever else. I have never been one to express myself physically.

I sing: hardly ever. It’s not just bad, it’s physically difficult for me to do.

I cry: a lot. I did before I got pregnant and had a baby, and I do it a lot more now.

I fight: very aggressively for a little while, but quickly feel drained and give up.

I lose: pretty much any game I play against Jene.

I win: nothing. Ever.

I never: thought I’d be partnered and have a kid by now. I’d just assumed I’d somehow ‘find’ a career before a family, because that’s what people do now. I like this path much better.

I always: stay up much later than I know I should. I’m doing it right now. I always hit a motivational peak at the exact time I should be going to sleep.

I confuse: people by frequently starting sentences in the middle of a thought.

I listen: much, much more than I talk.

I am scared: of birds.

I need: to spend a lot of time away from people in order to be able to cope with people.

I am happy about: the weather getting warmer (despite the recent cold front that is determined to bring back winter for one last hurrah). Having time alone. My two boys. The passionfruit yoghurt in the fridge. My hair. Devin’s funny little run. The fact that the two loud and territorial masked lapwings have finally moved from their home on our front lawn, even though I didn’t get to see their four new hatchlings before they left.

I can usually be found: in our house. Surprise!


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