I know I don’t post often here, but I do actually write and save regularly with the intention of eventually making a post. At least half of that I delete because I often write when I’m angry, frustrated or upset. The rest is unfinished snippets and thoughts that trail off. My attention span and short-term memory are terrible, and when I do finally think of the sentence I’ve been searching for, I frequently forget it before I can type it out. Yes, it’s that bad.
So here is something I started writing a while ago. It’s not so interesting, but it’s something.
I am in a position where I’m suddenly seeing a lot of pregnancy announcements, and with each new one, I feel a pang of envy and instinct –
Have a baby, have a baby, have a baby.
I would like to be pregnant again. I would like another baby. And another one. I told Jene one day that even with the three of us, it feels lonely sometimes. Like someone is missing.
It’s not just a case of primal urges trying to override my rationale (though they do try very hard). I have given it a lot of thought. I do logically want more children.
But not now.
Whether because Devin is a ‘difficult’ baby, or because I am a ‘difficult’ mother, or both, caring for one baby has been very taxing. I’m almost inclined to say that I want to get a handle on parenting one child before I add another, but honestly… at what point will that happen? If at all? Every age is going to bring new challenges, and I will always be just a little lost.
I think what I’m actually waiting for is confidence. Understanding that sometimes I won’t know what exactly to do, but knowing that we’ll still be all right. At the moment, I’m still learning how to cope with one.
Of course, there are other deciding factors. Not least of all that I still have quite a few years of fertility left.
Although in saying that…
Since I had my first baby at 21, I’d really like to be finished by the time I’m, say, 30.
It might be possible for me to have a child at 40, but I don’t really want to be starting all over again when my eldest is 20 and has (potentially) moved out of home. I would really like to bunch my child-raising years together, as much as possible.
This is, of course, just my ideal.
And now that you’re all caught up on my family planning, I’ll make my hasty exit.