I’m not having a great run so far this year. Feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, melancholy and wistful… The splendid illness that Devin passed on to me two weeks ago has finally receded, but I had a horrible encounter with a small swarm of stinging, wasp-like insects two days ago that has left huge, itchy, swollen, hot welts on my legs. Miraculously, the nasty little buggers didn’t attack Jene or Devin. It hurt terribly at the time and I possibly flailed and swore like a lunatic, but now I’m just dealing with the itchiness.
In other general life matters… well, not much.
Actually, no, here’s something – I can put Devin to bed now. Yes. It took nearly two and a half years, but I can finally put my own son in bed and leave the room before he’s asleep, and he will sleep. Without crying. (Not without some whining, but I am still the Soft Parent.) We can all thank Jene for that, just as we can for practically any routine-based aspect of Devin’s days. That’s not to say I don’t try; I do try, very hard, but when you’re a flaky, walking bleeding-heart… Well. Yes. Sometimes it’s good to have a tougher partner.
(Despite occasional outbursts of crankiness at their manner.)
I’m struggling with our current city. More than ever. I sometimes dread leaving the house because I wonder if I can handle any more disappointment. I’m tired of the people, the attitudes, the opinions… the lack of facilities, activities, services… I’m hesitant to say voice these opinions because a lot of my family lives here, and I know plenty of people like it here. I just… to put it as simply as possible, I’m not comfortable here. There are good aspects, but as a whole, it’s not right for me.
Before this becomes yet another woeful post – generally, I am feeling all right. I’m struggling with some things, sure. Some are trivial, some are too much to lay bare, but I’m trying my goddamned hardest not to let my anxieties tarnish everything in my life. I read something recently that said, basically, to focus on how you’re going to do things, rather than on how you feel about them. It’s a sentiment along the lines of the oft-repeated, ‘just stop thinking so much’, but somewhat more applicable and helpful, I think.
So, yes, despite the bumpy start to the year, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’m sure I have plenty of amusing Devin anecdotes to share (2 and a half is, surprisingly, hilarious), and plenty of long-winded opinion pieces, but writing here isn’t really at the forefront of my mind lately…
My itchy legs, however, are front and centre.