I’m exhausted. I don’t really feel like writing about the banalities of our lives. Miriam is five months old and already has two teeth, for those of you playing at home. Devin is enrolled in preschool for two days a week, but so far has missed just about as many days as he’s gone, thanks first to three public holidays in a row, and now a mild but persistent cold. (Please, please, PLEASE don’t send kids to school or care when they’re sick. Or take unnecessary trips out of the home. This ‘must always keep going’ mentality of our society can cause much more trouble than a day off work for certain families – someone’s kid being sick for a couple of days has lead to Devin being sick for almost two weeks, and an increase in his chemo meds.)
I’m just going to post a bunch of the notes I’ve written to myself this year…
“People are disgusting. They just are. You don’t realise how disgusting until you have a kid with little to no immunity against bugs. You become aware of every surface you touch – shopping trolleys, doors, handrails, elevator buttons, money – and of every sneeze, cough, sniff or cleared throat around you. But worse, there are people who will literally cough all over you and not give a shit. We were in an aisle with a woman who was hacking away, right next to us, and who then proceeded to pick up children’s books to peruse. Needless to say we moved along very quickly.
We can’t not go out. This is treatment that spans over two years.”
“I’m feeling cause fatigued. Green guilty. It’s a constant barrage of messages to eat this, not eat that; buy BPA-free but wait now that’s bad for you too; sign this to stop this injustice; and this; and this; and this; don’t shop at supermarkets, god, do you even care about your family and local community and this planet?; make your kids’ play educational; stop caring about your house and spend more time with your kids; more time – appreciate every second with them, damn it!; are you STILL eating food that’s been processed in some way?!; but stop judging people, ok?; boycott this company; and this one; oh you like this product? Too bad, boycott! …
Of course I want to live better, eat better. I want the world to be better. And my guilt issues are my own to bear, sure. But at the moment I want to tell the world to SHUT. UP.”
“Holy shit, if I see another person say something like, “Australia’s a lucky country, stop whinging about it”…
I DO like this country and I DO think we are lucky and that’s WHY I think our population deserves much better than this sleazy government. “
“It occurred to me yesterday, out of the blue, that if I had one completely self-serving wish, it would be to have no anxiety, awkwardness, hesitation or miscommunication when interacting with people, for any reason. That would open the door for so many more improvements and opportunities.”
“Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m struggling to cope with the realities of being human. Everything hurts. Everything is transient. Happy moments are sad because they will pass.
The pain of the last year is catching up. Or… changing. It’s not a sharp, unexpected sting any more, but a deep, melancholy ache. A permanent scar. I have not gotten over my father’s death and I have not gotten over my 3 year old son being diagnosed with cancer and maybe I never will – these are the events that give us depth as people, that alter the way we think and change the trajectory of our lives. Having a child is a happier instance of these formative moments, but also, obviously, opens the door for the most heart-wrenching ones.
Here is the truth. I can barely get through one day without fearing, dreading, my next life-changing event. People get sick. People get older. People die. Everyone dies. I cannot freeze this perfect moment where Devin is performing to make Miriam laugh. I will blink and when I open my eyes they will be at school. And I’ll blink again in disbelief and they will be adults. And they will hurt, too.”
I’m tired. Wait, I started with that. Oh, I don’t know what else to write. I am what I am and what I am is tired.