When I feel scared I imagine I am a tree. They don’t get scared. They are just trees.

I haven’t written anything substantial in a long time and I’m having a bit of difficulty so please, if you’re still here and still interested, bear with me.

I’ve been taking anxiety medication for about three months now, and so far, it’s helping a lot. The positive change is not actually something I’m fully aware of until I properly think about it – for example, I realised today that I would answer a phone call without a second thought. That’s HUGE. For years now I would only answer my mobile when I was expecting an important call, and I never, ever answered the home phone. I’ve also stopped involuntarily flinching away from people whenever they pass me – at home and in public.

What’s more, I took up a job offer! My dad sees his massage therapist regularly, and mentioned once that I’d been thinking of taking that path myself. She very kindly offered to let me spend the day with her so I could see first-hand what she does and whether it was something I wanted to pursue. At that time, though, I was still in the worst grips of anxiety and becoming discouraged about the future, so I didn’t go.
Recently, she told Dad that she needed some casual help for reception and cleaning, and that if I was interested, the job was mine. I heard the news on a Wednesday night, and the next morning at 8:30, I took myself down to the business and basically said, “Yes, please!” Pre-meds, I wouldn’t have slept that night, and I probably would’ve put off accepting until it was too late. I was still a little nervous, of course, but I did it. And I felt great. Now I’m just waiting to start.

This also means that Jene will be accompanying Devin to Kinder Gym and music classes* from now on – something that, I think, will be great for both of them. Despite having attended Kinder Gym for three terms and music class for one, Devin is still very shy and reluctant to participate. Much more so than any other child we’ve encountered. Though I do like going with him, I have to admit that I’m likely a big part of the problem – I’m the Comfort Parent. I’m hoping that Jene (being simultaneously more no-nonsense in discipline AND sillier in play than me) will bring out a more outgoing side of Devin.
*An early childhood music class. Rhythm, movement, singing, listening… Devin does not sing in class, but will sing the songs when we’re in the car. Often weeks after hearing a song for the first and only time.

I’ve been reluctant to write about these little glimmers of progress because hey, I didn’t want to jinx them. My instinct is to keep things quiet because of the part of me that’s waiting for everything to fall through… The past few years have been frustratingly stagnant.
I’m very tired of waiting, though, so here it all is.

Some more brief ‘news’ before I give my lazy brain a rest – this MooGoo oil cleanser is performing miracles on both Jene and I; the suspension in my car seems to be getting worse by the day; a Korean/Japanese takeaway finally opened here and we’re all in heaven; a few weeks ago I sat in duck poop while making sure Devin didn’t fall into the river; Devin is obsessed with Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy and also –

– he still needs a haircut.