I have problems with anxiety and the stress it causes. That’s no secret. If I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m mentioning it now. I feel like the anxiety is getting out of control and I really need external help – but I’m anxious about getting help. I’m also worried about not getting help.
Earlier this week, I woke up feeling especially tense. My stomach was churning, my chest was tight, and I kept having to stop and take huge breaths because I’d realise I wasn’t breathing properly. Usually that kind of bodily reaction is the result of many hours of winding myself up, not the state I find myself in immediately upon waking in the morning. Unsurprisingly, the proceeding day wasn’t fantastic.
When my anxiety peaks like that, it’s almost as if it’s hypnotising me. I can’t concentrate on anything except what’s going on in my head. I fumble around the house, eyes glazed, throat tight, not sure what exactly to do… Worse still, I’m aware of this behaviour, I know it’s unnecessary and fruitless, I know I’m being horrible company, but I find it painfully difficult, if not impossible, to pull myself out of it.
On that day, I put on some music. I don’t have an mp3 player, so I frequently listen to albums in their entirety. I’ve heard Devin Townsend’s Infinity countless times, I have my favourites, but as I was wandering around the house, not really paying attention to the music, one song that I often mentally skip suddenly infiltrated my vicious little thought cycle.
I’m not suggesting it was meaningful or important in any way, that it was some kind of message; it was just a nice moment. For the seven minutes of the song, I felt more relaxed, and my appreciation for the song increased substantially – so much so that I don’t know how I’ve been ignoring it for so long.
Yet another reason to be grateful for Jene.