But anyway, here’s this post (that’s been sitting in my notes for nearly 3 months).
It’s also not the same as compartmentalising, because the emotions linger.
Hey, I’m not saying it’s a good thing. It is what it is.
I’m not a crusader. And I’m not a crusader parent. Obviously I was thrust into the previously distant world of childhood cancer, and came to know a lot of things that I wish I didn’t have to know. This kind of thing is so often the catalyst for people to dive head-first into raising awareness and funds, for supporting similar causes, for attending events, for keeping up with news in the field.
I cope with things by… well, ignoring them. I follow some pages on Facebook, I flick through the Chemo Chronicle that CHW sends us, but I find it difficult to go much deeper than that. Maybe because I was so intensely immersed in it only recently. Maybe because the underlying driving force for our family life at the moment is ‘keep the cancer away’. The ever-present unspoken. It doesn’t need to be said. It’s just there. It will always be there. One parent wrote in the CC, “I can imagine myself on Thomas’ wedding day putting my hand on his forehead to check his temperature! It’s just hard not to worry.”
Maybe because I’m lucky enough to be able to ignore it, to be able to call it ‘underlying’. Goodness knows, I know. I know.
By the way, hey, blog. I’m so drained that I’m struggling to finish this. Each word is… being painfully extracted from my brain. I think it’s time to accept that this is just not where my head is at right now, and for the foreseeable future.
I feel like I don’t recognise enough what a beautiful boy Devin is.
In the monotony, stress, and exhaustion of everyday life he often gets the short end of my patience. I’m too tired or busy to play his pretend games, too distracted to hear his stories, too rushed to stop and explain things properly.
I’m proud of him. Really proud. Not just because of all that he’s been through, but because he’s a great kid. I mean, there are the normal 5-year-old things – I often have to ask him many times to do something; he gets possessive when Miriam is around his toys; he’s bossy; he whinges – but he’s caring, he (eventually) does what’s asked of him, he can practice impressive levels of patience, he shares his beloved Boost juices with Miri, he loves being greeted by an excited Remy when we get home…
This year we had to… undo, I guess, a lot of the previous year. He’d become accustomed to getting whatever he wanted, having everyone’s attention, watching DVDs and playing games all day, and then suddenly there was a baby demanding attention, and he was back home, and starting preschool, and preparing for school, and meeting yet more new health carers. And honestly, it’s probably been me doing the most stumbling and fussing throughout it all. Isn’t that so often the way.
It’s been a while, I’m finding it difficult to write, but things are going relatively smoothly. I started this draft almost six months ago, so here’s my timid return…
Last year Devin was given the opportunity to make a wish, thanks to Starlight Children’s Foundation. It was actually a difficult concept to explain to him, and a lot of the popular wishes (holidays, computers, meeting favourite celebrities) kind of went over the top of his 4-year-old head. Something he’d repeated regularly, though, from pretty much the time he could speak in sentences, was that he wanted a dog.
We’d been talking about it before he got sick, and despite our situation being considerably different, we eventually (about six months after Dev was approved for a wish) decided we were prepared to take on a puppy, if Devin so… wished.
He did, and after a few weeks of communication with our coordinator, Nicola, Devin was presented with a lovely little Cocker Spaniel puppy. Jene had thought of some name options, and Devin chose Remy. Our local Petbarn also donated a credit account to their store, as did Duncan McGinness Veterinary, which was a lovely surprise.
Now, we weren’t expecting it to be easy, but in hindsight, having a puppy and a six-month-old baby at the same time was particularly ambitious. In fact, I think a puppy is harder work than a baby for those first few weeks. There was strain. Jene had majority responsibility of Remy, I had majority responsibility of Miriam… for a little while, I thought it was a mistake. But, of course, things got easier, and Devin and Remy love each other. Miriam and Remy are a little troublemaking team, which is as cute as it is frustrating.
The writing gears are rusty and I’m tired, so I will leave you here. If you haven’t already, please have a look at Starlight, they’re a fantastic organisation that does so many wonderful things for sick kids.